End of a long day. When I open the door this morning, there was a thin cover of snow on the ground, and the heaven was a bit red and a big star was lighting over the naked trees. November could be so beaty, but often people say that november is the worst month of the year.
I will try to see life a lighter way than I have done before. I will pray every day, even if I am not sure if god is hear me, because I want to convise all my self of what life I want to live.
I am often feel lonley, because lonely is what I am.
I passed the math test, and now I practice to do the next test to.
about loneliness and homestyle, learning piano-playing and more
måndag 14 november 2011
söndag 13 november 2011
No winter
it is dark and cold outside, but the winter is not here yet. No snow, just a lot of small flings yesterday.
torsdag 10 november 2011
Math- test
Today I will try to fix a math-test. I have to do three tests before christmas, and it is very stressful for me.
D is talking to me when I am writing this, so I cant concentrate.
D is talking to me when I am writing this, so I cant concentrate.
fredag 4 november 2011
A coincidense
Its november now. When I wrote here for last, it was still summer outside. November is a beautyful mounth for me.
Yesterday night, when I have walked to the gas-station for buing oil for my car, I found a splitted and crashed mobile-phone at the car-park-zoon, between what in Hagforce called the bow-bridge. I put it together and try it, and the phone was funktional for calling, even if the window on it was broked on a way that in first sight was seeemd like a fantasy picture. I know how a nokia-phone is maid, so I called the first name in the phone-book, for asking if they konow the number, and the owner of the phone. I first talked to a man, then with his wife, but they didnt know anything about it. D told me , to call my own phone, and get the number that way, and look after the number on the enrio-site.
And guess what! The numeber was programmed in my phone, because the phone was owned of a woman I know and like i lot!
The coincidense number two, was that I meet here earlier in the day only a few meter from the place that I find her phone, so she must have lost it just a minute after we was talking.
Yesterday night, when I have walked to the gas-station for buing oil for my car, I found a splitted and crashed mobile-phone at the car-park-zoon, between what in Hagforce called the bow-bridge. I put it together and try it, and the phone was funktional for calling, even if the window on it was broked on a way that in first sight was seeemd like a fantasy picture. I know how a nokia-phone is maid, so I called the first name in the phone-book, for asking if they konow the number, and the owner of the phone. I first talked to a man, then with his wife, but they didnt know anything about it. D told me , to call my own phone, and get the number that way, and look after the number on the enrio-site.
And guess what! The numeber was programmed in my phone, because the phone was owned of a woman I know and like i lot!
The coincidense number two, was that I meet here earlier in the day only a few meter from the place that I find her phone, so she must have lost it just a minute after we was talking.
tisdag 23 augusti 2011
Frk K
Frk K is back with me again. I missed that part of me, and it has been away almost all summer. Today school start again. I will do the best as I can. Mathematic for two hours.
I can not cope with more conflicts, they suck the life out of me.
I can not cope with more conflicts, they suck the life out of me.
As god as I can
I am about to boil some potatoes for my dinner. I have not walked today as I planned. I will eat, and than I will walk. D is talking about body-language. I am tired of all this. One of mine political colleague belled my door before, and we were discussed some important things. I want to beeing more engaged in things that I am intrested of.
I want to train telegraphy. I want to play on my trumpet. I want to doing my schoolwork as god as i can.
I want to train telegraphy. I want to play on my trumpet. I want to doing my schoolwork as god as i can.
A sunny and cloudy day
Sleept to long, voke up something about tvelve. Didnt want to sleep away half of the day, but now its done, the day wont come back. I felt better some days ago, but now the ordinary sad and tired feeling is over me again. To live a life with unrequited love, dosent make me more loveable. He says that he dont feel for me when he is not seeing me, and with a distance of 350 kilometers, becomes some "love" impossible.
I have things to to, things that I want to do.
But days walks away from me, and are all about unhappines.
I have things to to, things that I want to do.
But days walks away from me, and are all about unhappines.
måndag 22 augusti 2011
Another nightmare
It is night. i woked up, because of another nightmare, this time about a man that I not will call for another than a offender. Does not remeber what is was about. I was more sweaty than last night, bit I havent done some about it. D had sent me sms., and it remembered me of all the problem again. I have to realize something. Feel a small headache of all crying.
I have tryed to do better anyway. Have made a list of good and regular eating, and I have walked very much. Tomorrow I will go to the forrest and eat my breakfast if the sun dont shine.
Talked an meet my psychiatrist today, and he hasnt heard about anyone but me who are seeing pictures and films inside my eyelids when I close my eyes, or trying to sleep.
Its time to take a try agin, by the way.
I have tryed to do better anyway. Have made a list of good and regular eating, and I have walked very much. Tomorrow I will go to the forrest and eat my breakfast if the sun dont shine.
Talked an meet my psychiatrist today, and he hasnt heard about anyone but me who are seeing pictures and films inside my eyelids when I close my eyes, or trying to sleep.
Its time to take a try agin, by the way.
A terrible nightmare
It was hard to get sleeping tonight, I was nervous to not wake up when I had to.
When I sleept a hour or a bit more, I woke up of a terrible dream!
I dreamed that D call me up, and had a upset and accusatory voice, and asked me of things that I should have done i my life, and thats was terrible things. For real, my life hasnt been a rosegarden, more like a dark and scary forest with small sunlit glades. I have don the best I could for most, but a very traumatized person arent doning everything very well all the time. So didnt I. But in the dream D accused me for very bad things, and he had evidence for it, in the form of letters to the daily newspaper.
He showed me the newspaper, which was full of confessions from me.
But I knew that I havent either done it or written it.
But he said:"Look , its your words, and your name-sign."
He didnt belive me, and I was thinking if it would be the best thing to say that I have done all that terrible, than be seen like a liar.
I woke up, sweaty, sad and scared.
And the feeling have not really left me.
When I sleept a hour or a bit more, I woke up of a terrible dream!
I dreamed that D call me up, and had a upset and accusatory voice, and asked me of things that I should have done i my life, and thats was terrible things. For real, my life hasnt been a rosegarden, more like a dark and scary forest with small sunlit glades. I have don the best I could for most, but a very traumatized person arent doning everything very well all the time. So didnt I. But in the dream D accused me for very bad things, and he had evidence for it, in the form of letters to the daily newspaper.
He showed me the newspaper, which was full of confessions from me.
But I knew that I havent either done it or written it.
But he said:"Look , its your words, and your name-sign."
He didnt belive me, and I was thinking if it would be the best thing to say that I have done all that terrible, than be seen like a liar.
I woke up, sweaty, sad and scared.
And the feeling have not really left me.
söndag 21 augusti 2011
New year
New year for me, is not the new year day first january. A new year for me, is when school is starting. So, the new year for me, is starting tomorrow.
New year, new blog, this time all in English, beacuse I need to train my english as much as I could.
my ordinary language is swedish, and I live my life in sweden. Im a very near thirtytwo-year old female person. Not a woman, more an "old girl", and thats why im not become very well with other people. An inpact of learn things that humans not need to learn. Have a sort of Ptsd-problem, but I try to get over it, and find a good life anyway.
I am loving a person, D, and he is living about 350 kilometers from my home. He is the most important person in my life, expect from my kids.
I have three kids, all boys. Three cats, and three turtles.
I live in a 120 square house, which is built something around 1930, and its a allmost typical house for those years. The only bathroom is for example on the second floor, and the basement is build after the house.
I am study for beeing a "under-nurse", hopfully to final that for this christmas.
Other intrests are: playing trumpet, by my self and in an orhestra, the nature and natures fenomens, animals, good and nice music, history ... and more. I will write more about it.
New year, new blog, this time all in English, beacuse I need to train my english as much as I could.
my ordinary language is swedish, and I live my life in sweden. Im a very near thirtytwo-year old female person. Not a woman, more an "old girl", and thats why im not become very well with other people. An inpact of learn things that humans not need to learn. Have a sort of Ptsd-problem, but I try to get over it, and find a good life anyway.
I am loving a person, D, and he is living about 350 kilometers from my home. He is the most important person in my life, expect from my kids.
I have three kids, all boys. Three cats, and three turtles.
I live in a 120 square house, which is built something around 1930, and its a allmost typical house for those years. The only bathroom is for example on the second floor, and the basement is build after the house.
I am study for beeing a "under-nurse", hopfully to final that for this christmas.
Other intrests are: playing trumpet, by my self and in an orhestra, the nature and natures fenomens, animals, good and nice music, history ... and more. I will write more about it.
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